The Freemason Forum

Inner peace

I am passing this on to everyone because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
 
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning:

I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of famish grarsh, a bottly of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an an box a chocolets.
 
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece!!

Dave

Relief Chest Supervisor - The Grand Charity

The Freemasons' Grand Charity

Joe and John were identical twins. John owned a dilapidated old boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented the boat to a group of students, who promptly sank it!

John spent all day trying to salvage as much as he could and was out of touch with everyone for all of the day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother Joe's wife died suddenly.

When he got back to shore, John went to Tescos to get a few things. A kind old woman neighbour mistook him for Joe and said "I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss. You must feel terrible."

John, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Not at all! As a matter of fact I'm glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a bloody great hole in the front. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I suppose that what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four students looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway. The bloody fools tried to get in her all at the same time and she just split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted.

Dave

Relief Chest Supervisor - The Grand Charity

The Freemasons' Grand Charity

Just then his son comes in and he asks him what happened, he said you came home stinking drunk singing very loudly waking up the whole house, you then staggered upstairs knocking all the pictures down and stumbling into the vase on the stand which you broke. then tell me whyyour mother is being so nice to me. 

Oh thats easy he says. she was getting your clothes off trying to put you to bed and you shouted get off ya slag i'm a married man.

You need to sing the bit at the end of this joke!

A Blonde died and was sent on her way to Heaven.
Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first is, which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
'The second is, how many seconds are there in a year?'
'And the third is, 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have the answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave the three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'OK then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest the answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...

London

Gang Warily

Middlesex