|
|
|
|
Group: Forum Member
Last Login: 31/01/2012 15:06:25
Posts: 189,
Visits: 1,074
|
Chap on a nudist beach sees an old man who has fallen asleep while reading and bits of him are starting to look a bit sunburt.
Not wishing to waken the gentleman he simply places the novel over the affected area but this upset the old man terribly.
Turns out he was the local magistrate and everyone knows you should never Cover a Judge by his Book.
|
|
Post #18508
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Moderator
Group: Moderator
Last Login: 2 days ago @ 18:48:26
Posts: 1,482,
Visits: 4,691
|
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard , the 11 year
Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
Come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
Before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
Out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little sh*t.
Tom Cherup 32°
Olive Branch Lodge #542
Dearborn, Michigan
Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit
Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
|
|
Post #18920
|
|
|
|
|
|
Group: Forum Member
Last Login: 09/09/2010 09:17:35
Posts: 133,
Visits: 272
|
I've just been asked to donate my old clothes to some charity who look after starving people.
Anyone wanting my castoffs can't be that hungry. It's got to be a con
Queen Mary's Lodge 3327London Gang Warily
|
|
Post #19191
|
|
|
|
|
|
Group: Forum Member
Last Login: 09/09/2010 09:17:35
Posts: 133,
Visits: 272
|
David Beckham gets home early to find Posh naked, sweaty and flustered.
"Quick Dave, i'm having a heart attack!" She cries!
As Becks picks up the phone, Brooklyn runs in crying.
"Daddy, Daddy, John Terry is in the wardrobe naked!"
Becks throws open the wardrobe door and sure enough there is JT naked as the day he was born.
Becks screams "are you some kind of d**k, Vicky's having a heart attack and all you can do is run around naked scaring the kids!"
:w00t:
Queen Mary's Lodge 3327London Gang Warily
|
|
Post #19237
|
|
|
|
|
|
Group: Forum Member
Last Login: 24/06/2011 16:13:21
Posts: 119,
Visits: 929
|
Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Doreen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
SimonUGLE / Lodge of Unity #132, Ringwood, Hampshire
Initiated Mar-2008, Passed Dec-2008, Raised Apr-2009
http://twitter.com/sjdobby http://www.facebook.com/house.elf
|
|
Post #19325
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Moderator
Group: Moderator
Last Login: 2 days ago @ 18:48:26
Posts: 1,482,
Visits: 4,691
|
At a Gynecologist's Office- "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's Office- "Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck- "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."
At a Proctologist's Office- "To Expidite your visit, please back in."
On a Plumber's Truck- "We Repair What Your Husband Fixed."
On Another Plumber's Truck- "Don't Sleep with a Drip. Call your Plumber."
On a Church's Billboard- "Seven Days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop- "Invite Us to Your Next Blow-out."
At a Towiing Company- "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's Truck- "Let Us Remove Your Shorts."
In a Non-Smoking Area-"If we see smoke,we will assume you're on fire & take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room Door- "Push. Push. Push."
On a Fence- "Salesmen welcome! Dog Food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership- "The best way to get back on your feet - Miss a car payment!"
Outside a Muffler Shop- "No Appointment Necessary. We hear you coming."
In the Front Yard of the Funeral Home- "Drive carefully. We'll wait.
At a Propane Filling Station- "Thank Heavens for little Grills."
At a Radiator Shop- Best Place in town to take a leak!"
On the Back of Another Septic Tank Truck- "Caution!- This Truck if FULL of Political Promises."
Tom Cherup 32°
Olive Branch Lodge #542
Dearborn, Michigan
Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit
Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
|
|
Post #19343
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Moderator
Group: Moderator
Last Login: 2 days ago @ 18:48:26
Posts: 1,482,
Visits: 4,691
|
Bible Study Humor
LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark? ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, ' Aces!'
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
THIS IS MY FAVORITE!!!
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted.. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
Tom Cherup 32°
Olive Branch Lodge #542
Dearborn, Michigan
Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit
Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
|
|
Post #19967
|
|
|
|
|
|
Group: Forum Member
Last Login: 19/01/2012 12:21:24
Posts: 779,
Visits: 2,399
|
SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak..
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.' So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shite out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***. 10) We do Not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me' 12) The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry'. 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
Here endeth the lesson………………………!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stephen 
|
|
Post #20259
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Moderator
Group: Moderator
Last Login: 17/01/2012 14:37:12
Posts: 321,
Visits: 1,321
|
Continuing on a Catholic Theme
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down
'Why'?
The worker yelled back,
"Cos his wife's here with his lunch"
Stuart Thorpe
Forum Moderator
Secretary, Forest of Arden Lodge No 3826
IPZ and Scribe E, Shenstonian Chapter No 5544
Junior Warden, Shenstonian Lodge No 5544
|
|
Post #20490
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Moderator
Group: Moderator
Last Login: 2 days ago @ 18:48:26
Posts: 1,482,
Visits: 4,691
|
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
Tom Cherup 32°
Olive Branch Lodge #542
Dearborn, Michigan
Scottish Rite - Valley of Detroit
Detroit Masonic Temple - It''s bigger than yours!
|
|
Post #20746
|
|